So It Was

I've never been the type to sit back and really reflect on the year that has passed. I'm not sure if it's because I'll be frustrated at how little I feel I've accomplished (usually my perception of these things is way off), feel sad over the inevitable losses that have occurred (friendships, relationships, innocence), or because I'll feel pressured to really do something with the up-coming year. This year the latter won't bother me as much as I want to look forward and think about what I can do to improve upon my years past, to better my life and myself.

Plan the first: get out there. When I went to therapy as a sad, angry, obnoxious teenager in high school, my therapist would often give me assignments that centered around "getting out and being social." I'm not an extremely social person; I prefer to spend time with my small group of good friends whom I love and trust with all my heart. I have a bit of a rough time with first impressions, especially with men (the theory is I frighten/intimidate them). But this year it's time to actually be more social whether that means accepting more invitations for evenings out, simply wandering about in public instead of holing up on my couch with a good book (always the most tempting thing for me). I will meet people!

Plan the second: explore my creativity. I write and I like writing so it's time to really work at it, maybe get something published? I've been told my whole life what a great actress I am/would be. The biggest obstacle to my actually doing anything about it is the overwhelming self-consciousness I experience when in front of people. Yet I believe I would be a force to behold on stage (I love the cathartic aspect of being someone else. I could pretend to be the horrible bitchy woman, the man-eater, the demure housewife, the scared child, the aloof seductress, the flighty "artist" and any number of other characters...oh what fun!).

Plan the third: find a good job. I'm tired of being that person who hates their job. It's time to do something that is actually stimulating and that I can walk away from feeling good instead of dropping onto my girl friends' couch at the end of the day and rolling my eyes about what a waste of time my days are.

Plan the fourth: get happy. It sounds odd but the cloud of negativity that has descended upon me is just awful. I must fight it off and finally, finally get happy. How will I do this? Who knows, but when I really want something I always find a way to have it (well, almost always, unless it involves the will of another...then it's a different story).

Plan the fifth: get back to Europe. Savings account: watch out! I shall raid you and go gallivant in European cities for [hopefully] extended periods of time hence forth! I shall love the people, culture, and food of these foreign lands. Where to go first? Do I go to France, the country I've longed to experience for almost 12 years (that's about half my life)? Do I go to Prague, the fabulous city of literary giants? How about Spain? I mean, why not? I've never been to Canada, our friendly neighbors to the north. Puerto Rico? I could try to convince someone to come with my there I'm sure. Switzerland is supposedly lovely. I would like to get back to Italy, see the places I didn't get to (the north and, of course, the Amalfi coast, maybe a couple of places in the south...oh I just want to eat that country). Scotland, Scotland would be fun...so many places, so little time.

Plan the sixth: find a travel buddy. Whether this is a girl friend whose company doesn't cause me to rip my hair out after 4 days or a boyfriend with an equal sense of "adventure" I really care not (though lovers are a bit more fun...).

Here's to hoping for the best in the coming year (I'm raising my mental glass of Champagne)! Rock on '08, rock on...