Giddy as a Schoolgirl

My mother and I recently had a conversation about my unshakable inferiority complexes. Though I'm relatively smart, well-spoken, and sort of pretty, I've never felt those things (well, fleeting moments in the arms of a lover or friend...but do those really count?). My mother said she just couldn't understand how I never signed up for activities: not in high school, not in college, not now. How was it that I was so shy? So self-doubting? She shared that in high school (and beyond) you couldn't stop her from signing up for things. She even tried out for the high school musical (my mother lacks any ability to carry a tune and has no sense of rhythm). "Faye, I was on stage, in front of everyone, singing and dancing. Me, singing and dancing in front of people." Still, I did not inherit that lack of inhibition. I'm a wallflower, one who stays on the sidelines.

Mom speculated that my brother had done me in. He's always been incredibly smart and well-spoken. He can make anyone feel like they're the smallest person in the world. I always looked up to him and did whatever he wanted me to do (I used to bring him pop tarts and juice on Saturday mornings while feeling privileged that he'd let me sit in the family room and watch cartoons of his choosing. Sometimes he even let me speak!). I followed quietly, shyly in his footsteps, hoping that someday he might tell me I'm smart too.

I never wanted to participate in sports or contests because I don't like competition. Or so I say. Really I just don't want to lose and feel even more inadequate. I'm competitive at heart, I'm just afraid of doing poorly. Even though I was a straight A student for the majority of my life (I got one C in high school and one C in college; high school it was geometry, college it was physics...I just can't conceptualize in that way) I've never felt particularly intelligent (until I meet someone who is clearly not). But then I got to thinking; when I play board games I'm on fire.

My friend, Gabe, introduced me to Settlers of Catan, a fantastic game where you have to build roads, settlements, and cities, collecting points along the way and screwing over your opponents. While playing it one night a friend, John, exclaimed, "Faye, I've never seen you so competitive! I like this side of you!" And it's true; when it comes to board games I'm off the wall competitive.

Saturday night was my highly anticipated game night with my girls, B and Mo. We pulled out the table, agreed on a game and got set up. Rummikube was the first game of choice. It's very similar to Rummy the card game, only there are plastic tiles instead of cards. Mo and I used to play this game when we'd stay in, indulge ourselves, and watch TV. B never really played with us because she was actually social. But all of us started to get into it (after arguing a bit about whether or not we had actually explained the game correctly to B) and B eventually won. I'm pretty used to losing this game so I didn't get too upset over the whole thing.

As the night wore on we all became increasingly tired and silly. Jenga was the next game at which we decided we needed to try our hands. Being a former surgeon wanna-be, I take a bit of pride in my steady hand; this game was going to get competitive. Slowly we each took our turn finding a non-weight baring Jenga block, steadily removing it and carefully placing it atop the evermore unsteady tower. It kept getting later and the paranoia and giggles became increasingly worse. When it would be my turn I would shake my head and worry over making the tower fall. Once I had the piece dislodged and in my hand I would take another minute or so to put it on top of the damn thing. Mo was similarly nervous with each of her turns. B told me that Jenga was not a game I should play as I am way too high strung. Mo ended up toppling the tower, but not before we got it to about 32 "stories" high.

This morning Mom sent me an email with a description of my astrological sign:

"ARIES - The Daredevil Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse (easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic."

Well, I suppose I fit the "enthusiastic, fun, loves a challenge, impatient, selfish, short fused, passionate, easily bored, egotistical, and assertive," but the rest of it is pure baloney. As evidenced by the above verbal meanderings, I am not physical or athletic; I lack confidence, don't believe I have a sharp wit (I don't think a sharp tongue is quite the same thing), I'm not outgoing, nor am I particularly courageous. Am I fun? Well, I certainly think so, but maybe some would say my love of Jenga is actually boring. Silly horoscope...