Terrified

It's really the only way to describe it. What have I gotten myself into? When I really sit down and look at the life I'm choosing for myself, I begin to feel horribly apprehensive; scared that I won't be happy. I have two (or more) competing desires: I want to be successful, make loads of cash in order to live comfortably and travel and I want to get married and have one or two adorable children (because ugly children simply won't do). B has helpfully offered to quit her job and come raise my children and when the conversation turns to the best way to potty train I am thankful that I'll have an office with grown-ups to retreat to. But then I hang out with kids and get my cuddles and hugs and I just want to spend all my time with them, watching them discover their world.

The other thing that terrifies me is choosing the wrong profession. Ok, so yes, I will likely make an excellent attorney. But what if I don't like it? What if I dread the work I have to do everyday? What happens when the alarms goes off at 5:45 and I'm rushing to get to the office by 7:30 so I can set up my 8am conference call that will drag on through the time when my lunch meeting is supposed to begin which will then cut into my afternoon calls making me late? I'll end up coming home, exhausted, with stacks of papers I need to read through before my morning meeting with the senior partners the next day. The kids will already have eaten their dinner and had their baths, probably even be in bed. I'll have to sneak in and give them little kisses, slipping into bed beside them for a few minutes, hoping that I can get my work done in a reasonable amount of time so that I can enjoy some of the "pleasures" of marriage.

Can you tell I'm a worrier?

A nanny is clearly going to be a big part of my life; but what about the guilt that will inevitably fill me everyday when she shows up and dresses them for school, making sure they have their homework and walking them to the bus stop whilst I rush off. I won't have enough seniority anywhere I work to make my own schedule (i.e. three or four days a week with the rest working from home so I can go to the park with my kids). College tuition will be a nightmare and if I want to send the kids to private school....well, let's just say that hubby and I will both need to pull in 6 figures.

Thusly, I'm terrified. All of this has been building up since I sent in my law school applications. Now I sit and wait to hear their final decisions (gut feeling: I'll be rejected by all). Some days it all feels rather heavy. I think I'll eat my chocolate scone now...