I went from a job where I spent my time covertly reading blogs and the NY Times online while having absolutely nothing to do to a job where I sit openly reading books and the NY Times online where I still have nothing to do. I'm not sure how to make clear to people that I'm completely serious when I say that I prefer to be busy. I've spent my entire life having lots to do; books to read and write about, papers to compose, problems to solve, presentations to create, prepare, practice and present, etc. Now, after working so hard to be the best in all of those pursuits I spend my time doing precisely...nothing.
"It must be so nice to have the time to read so many books," my coworkers (mostly the attorneys) say when they see me on my breaks. I try to smile and say that it is rather nice to be able to just read at my leisure. Truthfully, however, I don't enjoy it. I've always found at least a little time to read books for pleasure, even if it was just for 10 minutes before falling asleep. I've never felt as though this is something that I'm missing out on, but I am repeatedly told that I should "enjoy it while I can." I try, mind you, to see this as a positive, it's just not that easy.
When I took this job I had made it (or so I thought) abundantly clear that I need to be kept busy. When the job was described to me I said, "I can do that, but I really do need to be busy. I can't stand having nothing to do. I abhor simply sitting around. I feel like I'm wasting my time." I was assured, neigh, promised that the firm would have "no problem" keeping me busy. So I agreed to come work for them.
My first day in I had "training" in the morning that consisted of a whacked out, confused, forgetful woman asking me whether I knew how to use: Outlook, Word, Excel, PowerPoint, internet. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and, but of course. I was then shown where the lunch room and the ladies room were. Finally I was plopped at the front desk with a different smiling woman next to me. The phone rang, I was instructed to answer it, I did, transferred the call, and was congratulated. "Looks like you've got this," said the smiling woman as she got up and left me. That was it. I was never introduced to anyone. I was never shown the upper floor of our firm (except the lunch room). I was expected to simply know everyone right off the bat. When I walked in at 8:30am on my second day of work I was greeted with, "You're late" (I'm not on the clock until 8:30, but fuck, apparently at 8:30 I'm late). People then quickly became annoyed when I didn't know who they were/where they were supposed to be/what they were supposed to be doing/where the person they were looking for was/what time they came in last Friday/etc. I went home that night and cried. I didn't think I'd make it.
Lo and behold I've been toughing it out, but for what? Slowly I began learning who people were. I still didn't know my way around, but I could get coffee/tea, fill up my water bottle, find the bathroom, and find where to eat my lunch. A week or so in the firm gained about 10 new attorneys. So just as I'd started to recognize the people who were already here I had to learn a bunch more people who came to me with just about every question under the sun. Of course, I couldn't answer any of them.
A week or so later I was told that I'd be getting trained to open clients and matters. "Oh thank god," I thought! It was at least another week until that actually happened. Then I finished it faster than they thought I would. One of the attorneys gave me a simple survey project that she seemed to assume would take me all day. 15 minutes later I was done. At least 5 of the senior attorneys have said that they'll be looking to give me work, advocate on my behalf to get me work, send me something, even a little something, to work on, etc.
I'm in month 3 and I've lost count of how many books I've read. I still have not gotten to wander around the office and figure out where people are located. I wake up in the mornings (at 6 am) and simply cannot get myself motivated to come into the office and sit around doing nothing for 8 hours. By the end of the day I feel like I'm wiped out and I've done absolutely nothing. I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to sleep. I'm bored. I'm horribly bored. I'm 22 years old and dying to work. I've been working towards this my whole life and now I'm stagnant. I don't know if it's the workforce in general or just this office (and the last one I was in, apparently). The assistants I have lunch with are older and thinking about retirement. Many of them begin sentences with, "When I was young this wouldn't be a problem, but now..." May I point out that I am young? I WANT TO WORK.
Now I just have to wait and see how long I'm going to last...
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