It's really the only way to describe it. What have I gotten myself into? When I really sit down and look at the life I'm choosing for myself, I begin to feel horribly apprehensive; scared that I won't be happy. I have two (or more) competing desires: I want to be successful, make loads of cash in order to live comfortably and travel and I want to get married and have one or two adorable children (because ugly children simply won't do). B has helpfully offered to quit her job and come raise my children and when the conversation turns to the best way to potty train I am thankful that I'll have an office with grown-ups to retreat to. But then I hang out with kids and get my cuddles and hugs and I just want to spend all my time with them, watching them discover their world.
The other thing that terrifies me is choosing the wrong profession. Ok, so yes, I will likely make an excellent attorney. But what if I don't like it? What if I dread the work I have to do everyday? What happens when the alarms goes off at 5:45 and I'm rushing to get to the office by 7:30 so I can set up my 8am conference call that will drag on through the time when my lunch meeting is supposed to begin which will then cut into my afternoon calls making me late? I'll end up coming home, exhausted, with stacks of papers I need to read through before my morning meeting with the senior partners the next day. The kids will already have eaten their dinner and had their baths, probably even be in bed. I'll have to sneak in and give them little kisses, slipping into bed beside them for a few minutes, hoping that I can get my work done in a reasonable amount of time so that I can enjoy some of the "pleasures" of marriage.
Can you tell I'm a worrier?
A nanny is clearly going to be a big part of my life; but what about the guilt that will inevitably fill me everyday when she shows up and dresses them for school, making sure they have their homework and walking them to the bus stop whilst I rush off. I won't have enough seniority anywhere I work to make my own schedule (i.e. three or four days a week with the rest working from home so I can go to the park with my kids). College tuition will be a nightmare and if I want to send the kids to private school....well, let's just say that hubby and I will both need to pull in 6 figures.
Thusly, I'm terrified. All of this has been building up since I sent in my law school applications. Now I sit and wait to hear their final decisions (gut feeling: I'll be rejected by all). Some days it all feels rather heavy. I think I'll eat my chocolate scone now...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Comfort and Contentment
B recently enjoyed a vacation near Ft. Lauderdale, FL. It was planned for a month and I knew that she was looking forward to it, not only because nearly everyone looks forward to some time off, but because she will be moving down to FL in a few month's time and this would provide an opportunity to scope it out. The move has her apprehensive, a little nervous. As of now she has nowhere to live and no job lined up. I believe these things will come easily for her and the move will do her good.
So I was not surprised when she told me that she had an anxiety attack when coming back to PA. For the short time that I've known her I've encouraged her to leave and she's expressed the desire to do just that. "This place is toxic for me," she told me last night. It's not that she's unhappy, it's just that this isn't where she needs to be. Apparently this concept is not understood by all. Some people seem to feel that if you are unhappy with where you are then you are unhappy in general. I can't conform to this notion. I was unhappy this time a year ago, not necessarily with life, but with where I was. Then I spent 2 months in Italy. Instant happiness. I wasn't happy when I was living at home in high school, so I moved when I got to college...again, happiness, even though I still lived only 15 minutes from home. This unhappiness related to locale, I reminded B, is one of the reasons people move. She laughed, acknowledging my spot-on assessment.
Selfishly I don't want her to go. I may only see her a few times a month (we try to get together more often, but our schedules often conflict), but I love knowing that if I'm having a particularly terrible day and just need a hug I can call her and she'll be there in a matter of minutes. When she moves to FL I'd have to hop a plane for that pleasure. I also know that in the next 5 years our lives will change dramatically. I have no doubt that with the start of our careers, possible marriages and children we would have been seeing each for less frequently, but I still want to hold on to it for now.
This is true of all my good friends. In the past few months we've gone from being a group of single gals to watching each other get into some highly involved couplings. Mo is back on with someone I think we were all convinced was more of a fling, but they're holding steady and happy. Maddie and her beau are still going strong, with the unfortunate side effect of me not seeing her as often (the acquisition of full time jobs has also not helped). Of course I too am guilty of the pairing off. True, it's technically been the same person for over 2 years now, but it's a bit different as of late. I'm even more giddy in my pleasure than I was before and I simply cannot hide it. I look at myself and my close girlfriends and a little nostalgic sadness bubbles up and I hope that we'll be able to get together for play dates with our children and girl's dinners, maybe even spa dates...
Straddling these phases in life is exciting and nerve-wracking. The changes that we will make in the near future will be tremendous. I have all the most optimistic hopes for my future as well as my friends', but I want to hold on to my girls for as long as can now, while we don't have babies strapped to our chests and husbands to attend to. That said, I've never felt more comfortable or content. If all of life can remain this pleasant then I shall be a happy woman...
So I was not surprised when she told me that she had an anxiety attack when coming back to PA. For the short time that I've known her I've encouraged her to leave and she's expressed the desire to do just that. "This place is toxic for me," she told me last night. It's not that she's unhappy, it's just that this isn't where she needs to be. Apparently this concept is not understood by all. Some people seem to feel that if you are unhappy with where you are then you are unhappy in general. I can't conform to this notion. I was unhappy this time a year ago, not necessarily with life, but with where I was. Then I spent 2 months in Italy. Instant happiness. I wasn't happy when I was living at home in high school, so I moved when I got to college...again, happiness, even though I still lived only 15 minutes from home. This unhappiness related to locale, I reminded B, is one of the reasons people move. She laughed, acknowledging my spot-on assessment.
Selfishly I don't want her to go. I may only see her a few times a month (we try to get together more often, but our schedules often conflict), but I love knowing that if I'm having a particularly terrible day and just need a hug I can call her and she'll be there in a matter of minutes. When she moves to FL I'd have to hop a plane for that pleasure. I also know that in the next 5 years our lives will change dramatically. I have no doubt that with the start of our careers, possible marriages and children we would have been seeing each for less frequently, but I still want to hold on to it for now.
This is true of all my good friends. In the past few months we've gone from being a group of single gals to watching each other get into some highly involved couplings. Mo is back on with someone I think we were all convinced was more of a fling, but they're holding steady and happy. Maddie and her beau are still going strong, with the unfortunate side effect of me not seeing her as often (the acquisition of full time jobs has also not helped). Of course I too am guilty of the pairing off. True, it's technically been the same person for over 2 years now, but it's a bit different as of late. I'm even more giddy in my pleasure than I was before and I simply cannot hide it. I look at myself and my close girlfriends and a little nostalgic sadness bubbles up and I hope that we'll be able to get together for play dates with our children and girl's dinners, maybe even spa dates...
Straddling these phases in life is exciting and nerve-wracking. The changes that we will make in the near future will be tremendous. I have all the most optimistic hopes for my future as well as my friends', but I want to hold on to my girls for as long as can now, while we don't have babies strapped to our chests and husbands to attend to. That said, I've never felt more comfortable or content. If all of life can remain this pleasant then I shall be a happy woman...
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