The Seinfeld of Posts

Words have not been coming easily in the past few weeks. It's not that nothing is happening or that I'm losing my mind, but rather that the creative juices seem to have run dry. This is the [unexpected] side effect of a medication I recently decided to start taking. I have consistent, low-grade depression. Nothing that really interferes with my every day life. In fact, I've been quite successful with both school and work as well as friendships and, it seems, romantic relationships. I have a fantastic roof over my head, plenty of food to eat, great friends, a bright future, a supportive family, a wonderful man, so what exactly do I have to be so morose about?

It's a generational problem. So many of my friends are either medicated or have thought seriously about it. There is a lack of happiness. Sure, we're content enough, I suppose, but the happiness just isn't there. I refused medication for a long time. It was first suggested to me back in high school. I was extremely apprehensive because I didn't know what the long term effects would be, wasn't sure of the short term effects, and wasn't convinced it was the answer. I felt like there had to be a more organic way of going about my mood elevation. And for years I did a variety of things that worked, somewhat.

This past winter, however, I got tired of myself. Though I do not consider myself a pessimist I was undoubtedly negative. My stress levels sky-rocket with the slightest frustrations and hiccups. I was anxious and simply unhappy. So medication it was. They warned me that I might experience weight gain (which I'm still afraid of and feel like has started to happen. Time to diet), a loss of interest in sex (certainly not thinking about it as frequently as I was, but when I'm with my man I still want it as much as ever), dizziness, etc. What I wasn't warned about, but talked about as my biggest fear going into the whole thing, was the loss of the ability to write.

I'm mellow now whereas before I was a bit snarky, sarcastic, witty even. Now I can still pull some of that off, especially over a glass of wine at dinner, but it simply isn't here on paper. I do miss it, but I sort of like mellow Faye. Though I have two law school applications to get in this weekend I feel oddly calm. Though I got my LSAT scores back and they're terrible I feel calm. The only thing I freaked out about recently was my new job. The first couple of days here were rough because I knew no one and sat by myself all day. But now I have lunch friends and people come to talk with me. So, again, I feel calm. In fact, I'm making a concerted effort to put pen to paper (or cursor to screen as it is in reality) once again and see what kind of prose this mellow Faye comes out with.

Of course, should it all be crap I think I may have to throw the meds in the trash. Long live art and creativity.