How Satisfied Are You?

"You've got to stop telling people how much you hate your job," Rachel told me as we were preparing to go our separate ways after lunching by the fountain.

"I don't ever say it to anyone at the office, Rachel. For them, even when they prompt me with a, 'I don't know how you do it,' or a 'You must be so bored out there,' I simply smile and say that while, yes, I get a tad bored, I'm paying my dues and I get to read lots of books. I'll be busy soon enough."

"Ah. I guess that's why I hear about it so much, then."

I smiled. "I think D wants to shake me at this point."

"At least you have people to remind you that you need to find something you like about it," Rachel smiled back.

"I get to read lots of books," I replied, which is true and can be quite enjoyable...when the books is good.

We made our lunch plans for the next day and set off in opposite directions; her back to the museum basement, me back up to my desk with a view from the 27th floor.

She's right, of course. I do need to keep looking for the positive with this job. Otherwise I'll be consumed by my own bad attitude and absolutely no one will want to be around me. I'd prefer to be a positive person, but my upbringing has conditioned me to always look for the negative.

I took an optimism test recently where if your score was between 12 and 25 you were considered optimistic; though at a 25 you were damn near hysterical. D took it too. I asked his score but he wanted to know mine before he'd tell me. I can't say as I was surprised. Before we got together he asked me one question that has always stuck with me, "Do you consider yourself an optimist?"

The truth is, I am. I'm just very good at coming off as Eeyore. Most of the time the negative things I point out, or my tendency to phrase things in a more negative manner, is for the irony of it all. It's my way of joking; "biting sarcasm" I suppose. But the reality is that I've never doubted that good things will happen for me. I expect to get into law school, do quite well, land a job and make a better than decent living. I expect to get married to a man I love. I expect to have friends. I expect to enjoy myself. I'm also a bit anal retentive and thus will over plan for possible tragedies or negative outcomes and I think that sometimes takes over and I start to worry (ok, I don't think that happens, I know it happens).

I told D I scored a 20. He scoffed and told me he expected it to be a 13 or something. He scored a 22. No surprise there. He's the happiest person I know. He tells jokes and giggles in his sleep, for crying out loud!

All of this leads me to my attempt to be happy with my here and now. Or maybe not happy, but satisfied. Striving for happiness seems counterproductive. I want satisfaction. Satisfaction is something you actually can work towards. I think that you know what will be satisfying at particular moments. Sometimes it's as simple as that ice cream cone you've been craving all week; or watching your favorite TV show on Wednesday nights; coming home and getting your long awaited hug; snuggling up under your covers and sleeping in; going for a walk on a beautiful day; getting the bathroom clean and the dishes put away. Yes, satisfaction is worth striving for because often with satisfaction comes happiness. But striving for happiness is futile, in my opinion. The more you try to be happy the more frustrated you'll be when you think that maybe you aren't (because happiness is completely subjective and often even the individual will not know whether s/he is truly "happy").

I feel satisfied at work when I've helped someone out. It could be by setting up the conference room they need ASAP, opening client/matters, picking up a dropped pen, anything really. I feel satisfied when I have a good book with me (this is more difficult to come by than you may think. There's a lot of books that do not captivate and can become a chore to read for 8 hours a day). Yes, my job is not ideal but I know this is not my career and it is certainly not my life. I think it's important to take the time to remember that everyday, especially when you have people yelling at you from all directions... :-)