Words have not been coming easily in the past few weeks. It's not that nothing is happening or that I'm losing my mind, but rather that the creative juices seem to have run dry. This is the [unexpected] side effect of a medication I recently decided to start taking. I have consistent, low-grade depression. Nothing that really interferes with my every day life. In fact, I've been quite successful with both school and work as well as friendships and, it seems, romantic relationships. I have a fantastic roof over my head, plenty of food to eat, great friends, a bright future, a supportive family, a wonderful man, so what exactly do I have to be so morose about?
It's a generational problem. So many of my friends are either medicated or have thought seriously about it. There is a lack of happiness. Sure, we're content enough, I suppose, but the happiness just isn't there. I refused medication for a long time. It was first suggested to me back in high school. I was extremely apprehensive because I didn't know what the long term effects would be, wasn't sure of the short term effects, and wasn't convinced it was the answer. I felt like there had to be a more organic way of going about my mood elevation. And for years I did a variety of things that worked, somewhat.
This past winter, however, I got tired of myself. Though I do not consider myself a pessimist I was undoubtedly negative. My stress levels sky-rocket with the slightest frustrations and hiccups. I was anxious and simply unhappy. So medication it was. They warned me that I might experience weight gain (which I'm still afraid of and feel like has started to happen. Time to diet), a loss of interest in sex (certainly not thinking about it as frequently as I was, but when I'm with my man I still want it as much as ever), dizziness, etc. What I wasn't warned about, but talked about as my biggest fear going into the whole thing, was the loss of the ability to write.
I'm mellow now whereas before I was a bit snarky, sarcastic, witty even. Now I can still pull some of that off, especially over a glass of wine at dinner, but it simply isn't here on paper. I do miss it, but I sort of like mellow Faye. Though I have two law school applications to get in this weekend I feel oddly calm. Though I got my LSAT scores back and they're terrible I feel calm. The only thing I freaked out about recently was my new job. The first couple of days here were rough because I knew no one and sat by myself all day. But now I have lunch friends and people come to talk with me. So, again, I feel calm. In fact, I'm making a concerted effort to put pen to paper (or cursor to screen as it is in reality) once again and see what kind of prose this mellow Faye comes out with.
Of course, should it all be crap I think I may have to throw the meds in the trash. Long live art and creativity.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Things Fall Into Place
I arrived at my current job through a series of less than perfect circumstances. It all started when I realized that my bank account was taking major hits while I was in Italy. I'd go online to check the damage in my checking account and find myself sending a desperate SOS email to my mother begging for more funds. This weak dollar is a killer if you want to go play in Europe.
When I arrived home from Italy I had about $30 to my name. I'd blown through my meager savings (an account I'd opened when I was 12 and had tried to put some money into over the years, but which had never accrued more than $1100...which seemed like a lot until I actually started spending money), had no income of which to speak, and still had to finish one class at university. This class took place Tuesday through Thursday from 8:40 until after noon. As you can imagine, this kept me from taking on the type of job that would truly help pad the ol' bank account as I would have to work part time and it seemed that there were no engaging part time positions available.
I'd posted my resume on three different job websites with little luck. I started leafing through the classified sections every day after coming home from class while the whole afternoon and evening stretched interminably in front of me. I hated having so much free time on my hands. I felt lazy and unproductive. Thank god I had Maddie to keep me company. She was also gainfully unemployed at the time and we spent some time perusing shops (interesting side note: perusing is a word of contradictory definitions. It means both a) to examine or consider with attention and in detail and b) to look over or through in a casual or cursory manner...Anyways, I find the English language interesting), talking for listless hours on the phone, etc.
I came across the ad for my current position in the newspaper and emailed my resume over. I received an email back and set up an interview. The interview went well and they were willing to be quite flexible with my hours both during the period I'd be taking my class and after (I was pretty much in charge of creating my own schedule within some very loose guidelines). Everyone seemed nice enough and I was thrilled to just be making some money (and have something to do during my down hours).
My class ended and business seemed to slow down more and more with every passing month. The slower it got the more insufferable it became to just be here. I started loosing my mind a bit when all the talk of doom and gloom hit it's stride at a fevered pitch. I was done. I'd given myself 6 months and it has been 6 months. I started actively looking for a new job in late November/early December, but, again, my searches and resumés kept turning up nothing, or at least nothing promising. LSATs started to loom and my personal life was hitting the rocks (again). It truly felt like things were just not going to be going my way any time soon.
The New Year came and went and still I was in the same rut. I picked up on some very familiar patterns in my personal life after feeling that at least some decision had been made, though not what I wanted (this familiar pattern started up again much to the chagrin of all my supporters, though I know they'll support me no matter what I decide to do, just as I do for them. That's what you do when you love someone). To top it off, my job search was still turning up nothing. Finally my dad gave me a little lead and suddenly it was as though the skies opened, the clouds parted and a bit of sunshine found it's way to me.
In the span of just a couple of days I'd set up back to back interviews with two rather promising companies, had LSATs still looming but D-Day was near enough that I could see life after logic games, and some interesting things started happening on the personal front. My first interview went OK, though it certainly wasn't the best I'd ever had. I felt unprepared and I think it showed. The question that always gets me is, "So, do you have any questions for me?" This is typically asked after they've explained everything I would need/want to know: what duties the position entails, any type of training (aka grace period for my learning curve), salary, benefits, work environment, company atmosphere (casual? highly professional?), with whom I would be working directly, hours, room for advancement, vacation time, holidays, etc. So I just smiled and told the interviewer that he had done an excellent job at anticipating any questions I might have.
The second interview, the next day, was less like an interview and more like a run down of what I would most definitely be doing. It seemed a given that I was getting this job; partly (or mostly) I believe because of my father. Finally I was able to really use that connection! So I got the run down on everything, in more detail than I was able to process in such a short amount of time, and was told that I would be given a call either the next day (Friday) or Monday. I stopped in to say hello to a few people who knew me (as a child, mind you...I've changed a bit since then) and then left. They called me that night and made the offer. Of course I accepted and immediately sent my current boss my two week notice. My last day is Valentine's Day. I couldn't have asked for a better present.
LSATs were, as I suppose all admissions exams are, terrible. I felt completely unprepared. Who cares if I studied for hours. I did atrociously on a practice exam the night before which left me in tears. I was shaking when I woke up the next morning after a fitfull night's sleep. I ate breakfast while doing more and more practice problems. My dad's confidence in me as I left that morning made my eyes well up with tears yet again. I royally screwed up the first section thanks to my uncontrollable nerves. I kicked myself (probably extremely obviously) when that first 35 minutes was up. I knew this sh*t and I still screwed it up. I tried my best on the rest (I'm still horribly worried that "my best" is simply not good enough. 3 weeks 'til scores are available. I think I might have a heart attack), trying not to think too much about the score and more about just focusing on the particular problem at hand.
When all was said and done I was still shaking and took my sweet time getting over to Mo and B's. When I finally did get there I'd come to the conclusion that I was not fit to drive or to be in public. I was a mess. A look in the mirror confirmed this. I looked like I'd been on a crazy binge for a week straight. My eyes were red and puffy (thanks crying!), my skin had broken out in some extremely unattractive ways (I had a huge, red, under-the-skin, painful-type pimple in the middle of my forhead, right between my eyebrows, another above my lip, another on my chin...oh it was awful), my color was palid, my body language utterly defeated. I started crying while talking about the exam to Mo who quickly pulled me off the floor and offered me some relief, valiently attempting to take my mind off the exam and on to lighter, less consequential topics. Thank god for friends. Later on, once B got home from work (poor love had to work on a Saturday) we popped the champagne, added some fresh strawberries and blackberries to the mix and had a grand old time.
The month of January was not such an awesome month. February, however, seems to be slowly shaping up in my favor. I have a new job that makes me feel like I'm actually moving forward in life, LSATs done (again that feeling of moving forward and accomplishing things), and a little trip to see if I can't get my personal life in order is coming up rather quickly. I even scheduled myself for a massage this Friday (a fitting reward for all my stress I should think).
2008 did not begin as "The Year of Faye," but it seems to be experiencing an upswing. Here's to hoping that the current trend continues!
When I arrived home from Italy I had about $30 to my name. I'd blown through my meager savings (an account I'd opened when I was 12 and had tried to put some money into over the years, but which had never accrued more than $1100...which seemed like a lot until I actually started spending money), had no income of which to speak, and still had to finish one class at university. This class took place Tuesday through Thursday from 8:40 until after noon. As you can imagine, this kept me from taking on the type of job that would truly help pad the ol' bank account as I would have to work part time and it seemed that there were no engaging part time positions available.
I'd posted my resume on three different job websites with little luck. I started leafing through the classified sections every day after coming home from class while the whole afternoon and evening stretched interminably in front of me. I hated having so much free time on my hands. I felt lazy and unproductive. Thank god I had Maddie to keep me company. She was also gainfully unemployed at the time and we spent some time perusing shops (interesting side note: perusing is a word of contradictory definitions. It means both a) to examine or consider with attention and in detail and b) to look over or through in a casual or cursory manner...Anyways, I find the English language interesting), talking for listless hours on the phone, etc.
I came across the ad for my current position in the newspaper and emailed my resume over. I received an email back and set up an interview. The interview went well and they were willing to be quite flexible with my hours both during the period I'd be taking my class and after (I was pretty much in charge of creating my own schedule within some very loose guidelines). Everyone seemed nice enough and I was thrilled to just be making some money (and have something to do during my down hours).
My class ended and business seemed to slow down more and more with every passing month. The slower it got the more insufferable it became to just be here. I started loosing my mind a bit when all the talk of doom and gloom hit it's stride at a fevered pitch. I was done. I'd given myself 6 months and it has been 6 months. I started actively looking for a new job in late November/early December, but, again, my searches and resumés kept turning up nothing, or at least nothing promising. LSATs started to loom and my personal life was hitting the rocks (again). It truly felt like things were just not going to be going my way any time soon.
The New Year came and went and still I was in the same rut. I picked up on some very familiar patterns in my personal life after feeling that at least some decision had been made, though not what I wanted (this familiar pattern started up again much to the chagrin of all my supporters, though I know they'll support me no matter what I decide to do, just as I do for them. That's what you do when you love someone). To top it off, my job search was still turning up nothing. Finally my dad gave me a little lead and suddenly it was as though the skies opened, the clouds parted and a bit of sunshine found it's way to me.
In the span of just a couple of days I'd set up back to back interviews with two rather promising companies, had LSATs still looming but D-Day was near enough that I could see life after logic games, and some interesting things started happening on the personal front. My first interview went OK, though it certainly wasn't the best I'd ever had. I felt unprepared and I think it showed. The question that always gets me is, "So, do you have any questions for me?" This is typically asked after they've explained everything I would need/want to know: what duties the position entails, any type of training (aka grace period for my learning curve), salary, benefits, work environment, company atmosphere (casual? highly professional?), with whom I would be working directly, hours, room for advancement, vacation time, holidays, etc. So I just smiled and told the interviewer that he had done an excellent job at anticipating any questions I might have.
The second interview, the next day, was less like an interview and more like a run down of what I would most definitely be doing. It seemed a given that I was getting this job; partly (or mostly) I believe because of my father. Finally I was able to really use that connection! So I got the run down on everything, in more detail than I was able to process in such a short amount of time, and was told that I would be given a call either the next day (Friday) or Monday. I stopped in to say hello to a few people who knew me (as a child, mind you...I've changed a bit since then) and then left. They called me that night and made the offer. Of course I accepted and immediately sent my current boss my two week notice. My last day is Valentine's Day. I couldn't have asked for a better present.
LSATs were, as I suppose all admissions exams are, terrible. I felt completely unprepared. Who cares if I studied for hours. I did atrociously on a practice exam the night before which left me in tears. I was shaking when I woke up the next morning after a fitfull night's sleep. I ate breakfast while doing more and more practice problems. My dad's confidence in me as I left that morning made my eyes well up with tears yet again. I royally screwed up the first section thanks to my uncontrollable nerves. I kicked myself (probably extremely obviously) when that first 35 minutes was up. I knew this sh*t and I still screwed it up. I tried my best on the rest (I'm still horribly worried that "my best" is simply not good enough. 3 weeks 'til scores are available. I think I might have a heart attack), trying not to think too much about the score and more about just focusing on the particular problem at hand.
When all was said and done I was still shaking and took my sweet time getting over to Mo and B's. When I finally did get there I'd come to the conclusion that I was not fit to drive or to be in public. I was a mess. A look in the mirror confirmed this. I looked like I'd been on a crazy binge for a week straight. My eyes were red and puffy (thanks crying!), my skin had broken out in some extremely unattractive ways (I had a huge, red, under-the-skin, painful-type pimple in the middle of my forhead, right between my eyebrows, another above my lip, another on my chin...oh it was awful), my color was palid, my body language utterly defeated. I started crying while talking about the exam to Mo who quickly pulled me off the floor and offered me some relief, valiently attempting to take my mind off the exam and on to lighter, less consequential topics. Thank god for friends. Later on, once B got home from work (poor love had to work on a Saturday) we popped the champagne, added some fresh strawberries and blackberries to the mix and had a grand old time.
The month of January was not such an awesome month. February, however, seems to be slowly shaping up in my favor. I have a new job that makes me feel like I'm actually moving forward in life, LSATs done (again that feeling of moving forward and accomplishing things), and a little trip to see if I can't get my personal life in order is coming up rather quickly. I even scheduled myself for a massage this Friday (a fitting reward for all my stress I should think).
2008 did not begin as "The Year of Faye," but it seems to be experiencing an upswing. Here's to hoping that the current trend continues!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
The Simple Things
Simple Things That Have Brought Me Pleasure in the Past Few Days:
Champagne with fresh berries. I took my LSATs and then went and had a mental breakdown. None of us (Mo, B, and myself) were feeling particularly festive, but we figured that really ought not keep one from indulging in champagne. And if you have fresh strawberries and blackberries to throw in there, then all the better.
Going for walks in the middle of the night. If you ever feel the need to clear your head, talk to someone about something, or just have to think something through, a walk is always fantastic. I'm always most honest when I'm moving. I make lots of important decisions and conclusions while on hikes and jogs.
Hearing someone say they've missed you. I'm not one who feels compelled to always verbalize my emotions. I can even come off as a bit cold if you don't know me well enough. But I have to say, though I don't think I responded appropriately (I smiled and surely blushed, but as we were on the phone there's no way to see that), it's stuck with me and still makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Finding the perfect music for a silly computer game.
Bejeweled2+Architecture in Helsinki=Awesome. I haven't listened to Architecture in Helsinki for ages and just randomly decided upon it as I was playing Bejeweled last night (after having my warm and fuzzy converstaion: see above). As the music began to play I had to double take to remember that it was coming from my iTunes and not the game itself.
Getting up early to workout with a good friend. I used to get up between 6 and 6:30 every morning to work out but as I haven't had any need to be anywhere early these days I've taken to lying in. Though I apparently wanted to snooze when my alarm went off at 6:30 this morning (I thought I turned it off, but low and behold I heard it going off from all the way down on the first floor...oops) it was great to get out and get going. I felt so accomplished!
Ahhhh, life's simple pleasures.
Champagne with fresh berries. I took my LSATs and then went and had a mental breakdown. None of us (Mo, B, and myself) were feeling particularly festive, but we figured that really ought not keep one from indulging in champagne. And if you have fresh strawberries and blackberries to throw in there, then all the better.
Going for walks in the middle of the night. If you ever feel the need to clear your head, talk to someone about something, or just have to think something through, a walk is always fantastic. I'm always most honest when I'm moving. I make lots of important decisions and conclusions while on hikes and jogs.
Hearing someone say they've missed you. I'm not one who feels compelled to always verbalize my emotions. I can even come off as a bit cold if you don't know me well enough. But I have to say, though I don't think I responded appropriately (I smiled and surely blushed, but as we were on the phone there's no way to see that), it's stuck with me and still makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Finding the perfect music for a silly computer game.
Bejeweled2+Architecture in Helsinki=Awesome. I haven't listened to Architecture in Helsinki for ages and just randomly decided upon it as I was playing Bejeweled last night (after having my warm and fuzzy converstaion: see above). As the music began to play I had to double take to remember that it was coming from my iTunes and not the game itself.
Getting up early to workout with a good friend. I used to get up between 6 and 6:30 every morning to work out but as I haven't had any need to be anywhere early these days I've taken to lying in. Though I apparently wanted to snooze when my alarm went off at 6:30 this morning (I thought I turned it off, but low and behold I heard it going off from all the way down on the first floor...oops) it was great to get out and get going. I felt so accomplished!
Ahhhh, life's simple pleasures.
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